Small update - PCP Clearance!

Well, I am recently back from my appointment with my primary care physician and he cleared me for surgery!  I think that all there is really left for me to do is wait now. I see my surgeon next Wednesday, and then surgery is the following Monday. SURGERY IS ELEVEN DAYS AWAY OMFG!!!!  Scary. Really, really scary. So far I have held it together pretty well. I had an actual breakdown a little earlier in the week. I actually cried for the loss of junk food. It was an eye opener. 

I never really believed in food addiction; I always kind of thought that it was bullshit; but wow. I have watched friends trying to beat addiction demons; what I would call real addictions, and the response that I had was identical to theirs. I was preparing the grocery list, flipping through a Publix ad and looking at all of this food that I will never be able to eat again and it freaked me out. No more chili dogs, no more pizza, no more cheeseburgers, no more mozzarella sticks… I mean, it’s just food right? I was ready to back out of the surgery because I won’t be able to eat junk food again. If anything, this shows me even more that I have to do this. I mean, it’s not like two or three years down the line I can’t have a slice of pizza. Maybe I freaked out because a lot of what my husband and I have done in the past involved food? Ordering a pizza and breadsticks and watching a movie; going out to all you can eat Chinese, having a picnic at the park with take-out; birthday dinners at my favorite Greek place…it never ends really. We have to find another way, and that is scary.

In the past I have had therapists tell me that significant weight gain, like mine, can sometimes be a self-preservation thing. This makes sense in my case. I suffered some pretty extensive abuse as a child, and maybe wrapping myself in all of this adipose tissue is my way of protecting myself. Maybe the thought of all of those protective layers suddenly not being there is scary and triggered something in me.  Even as a large woman I have occasionally had men look at me in a sexual way (guys who like big women are out there…) and it made me very, very uncomfortable. Even when my husband pays me a little attention it triggers something in me that feels very much like a fight or flight instinct. It is AMAZING how many issues this surgery is unearthing outside of simply being a fat person.

So, in other news, my husband found me some amazing flavored broths. Swanson has a Cajun, a Mexican tortilla, a Thai, and a couple of others that are saving my life right now. The Mexican tortilla was amazing. I had the Cajun a few minutes ago and it was a little…icky. But I am going to give it another shot later. ALSO, he got me 0 cal powdered cheese and bacon stuff. Omg! Omg! Omg! I am putting it on everything. He grabbed me some powdered butter (also 0 cal) as well. Lifesaving!

Oh, and my doctor prescribed Wellbutrin to me; we’ll see how that works for me.  It seems like I have heard bad things about it before, but I can’t remember what they were.  My doctor didn't want to put me on many of the usual suspects – namely Zoloft, because he was afraid that it would contribute to weight gain. Unfortunately, my doctor is one of those that think every single thing that may or may not be wrong with my husband and I is a direct result of our obesity. I’m not saying that the obesity doesn't contribute to many things, but I think it can be dangerous to assume that every ache, pain, or otherwise is “because fat”.  

Ah well, if nothing else, I should be checking in next Wednesday after my last pre-op appointment with my surgeon – with a weight update! Oh! And for christmas this past year I had gotten a really cute size 4 (4x) top from Torrid that sadly did not fit. I threw it in my "maybe one day" clothes pile in the garage and forgot about it. A couple of days ago I pulled it out and thought, "why not try as a reference point? and it fits great! Super excited! I need to dive into the pile and find some smaller pants as the ones that I wear now are getting a little silly looking they are so baggy.