Catching up and #100days (417)

Ah, yet another catch-up post. I have been doing fairly well for myself lately as far as health goes. I met with Ava (the personal trainer) a second time to get a reassessment of where I am and where I am headed. She had instructed me on our first meeting to walk every weekday and gradually increase my distance to being able to walk between home and my mother-in-law’s house, which is about 0.7 mile away. I crushed this goal, and she was quite pleased. For several weeks my daily walk lingered at between 0.5 and 0.8 mile, but I decided to push myself. For the past couple of weeks I have been hitting a mile every weekday. I understand that for the average person walking a mile is not a big accomplishment, but for me it is huge.

My new goal is to make it to two miles a day before the end of the year. I am pretty exhausted after one mile at this point, but I think that if I just keep pushing I will get there. Ava also wants me to join a gym and do 15 minutes of treadmill or bike/15 minutes of weight training on machines/15 minutes of walking or bike riding. I have found the gym that I want to join; I just have to do it. I plan on joining YouFit next week. They have great reviews and they are only $10 a month, which is an incredible price.

Also! I have decided to start training for a few run/walks! The first one will be the annual Turkey Trot, but the ones that I am really looking forward to come next year and are 3k’s. I am going to do ColorFunFest next year; it’s a 5k that they run at night, so that will be much kinder to my very pale skin. At this point that is way, way too advanced for me; but it gives me something to work towards.

My food intake has been good-ish. I have been keeping it under 1k calories, and in the range of 700-800 calories most days. We found ourselves in a tight spot financially for the past couple of weeks, so I have been surviving off of what I can coupon for – which is rarely healthy. I did manage to get a couple of boxes of frozen turkey burgers which are very healthy. I have been eating a half of a patty (no bun) with a Laughing Cow wedge and some olives for breakfast and lunch the past several days. I am surviving in the food area, but not thriving. Things will get better soon with that, though. Payday is coming and with it a nice trip to the store to get some real foods.

My water intake is up! Finally! I bought a couple of the big Smartwater bottles a few weeks ago (yes, it does taste better and different to me). I refill those with tap water and stick them in the fridge. To reach my new water goal (100 oz a day) I need to drink about three of these. I typically reach two at this point, which is much better than the half a bottle I was drinking before. Progress! Not so much progress on my vitamins, sadly. I have to buy them. I finally found the ones that I need though, so there is that!

Also, I had my six month check-up with my surgeon and she was thrilled with my progress! She said, “Whatever it is that you’re doing, just keep doing that.”  She also said that I’m her star patient and insisted on taking photos of me to show off. It really made me feel good! I was sad (as always) that I had not lost more, but I am still making great progress. I am almost to the 300’s; finally! What will life be like for me then? Every 100 pounds (200, 300, 400, 500, 600) is a place to stop and really reflect. When I crossed from 601 back into the 500’s that was nice, though it was still sad because the 500’s is a really scary place to be weight-wise. When I got into the 400’s I was relieved because while the 400s is still ridiculously too large, it is in the range of being a more “normal” extremely obese. Now I am moving into (and may have already moved into, it’s been some weeks since I have weighed) the 300’s. What can I accomplish in the 300’s? Much, I think. Then eventually, if I am lucky and I work hard enough who knows? Maybe I’ll see the 200’s? Dare I dream enough to say I may one day reach the 100’s; “Onederland” as we call it in my support group? It will be a while. For now I can only focus on the next fifty pounds.

Now the #100days thing is something completely different. It is this thing my best friend invited me to do with her, in which I set goals for myself for the last 100 days of the year. It is a group of people and we cheer one another on, lend support, and give advice. I have been doing pretty well so far. I set a plethora of goals for myself, many of which will probably not be met, but many that certainly will be met.  The goals range from organization to health goals and even just plain happiness goals. Since one of my goals is to post in my blogs every week, I will be checking that off from my list today. I’ve decided to rotate it – one week for this blog and the next for Manic, and so forth. I will be listing the things that I checked off of the list here on this blog, as well as other small (and large!) accomplishments. This is more for me than anyone else, as it is a good way to stay accountable and celebrate my victories. So here it goes; highlighted items are completed, others are there simply for categorical purposes:

Sept 23^rd(100 days starting day) – Sept. 30^th, 2015

·         Daily hair care

Consult with dermatologist

·         Daily skin care

Consult with dermatologist

o    Exercise as instructed by Ava

·         Walk every week day

Plan and try out new routes to keep things interesting

Get ipod and headphones loaded and ready to go

·         All vitamins and medications

·   Get b12 from Trader Joes

·   Get a vitamin D supplement (400-800 IU daily)

• Improve writing
• Practice using prompts
• Week  1
• Blog at least once a week, alternating between blogs
• Week  1
• Week 2

o    Get kitchen in order

·         Organize cabinets

·         Deep clean appliances

·         Organize/clean out spice shelves

·         Clean out cabinets

·         Clean out window and wash window

·         Wash exterior surfaces

• Clean computer area
• Get fall and winter flowers for goddess, then change them out ***(This is a long story, haha)
• Clean truck
• Try to temp fix the passenger window
• Make over blogs (by 11/04)

Get help reformatting picture on Manic

·         Clean out email

o    Unsubscribe and report spam

• Addy

Create weekly care checklist

o    Don Juan

o    Get new toys

These are all things that I checked off of my very long #100days to do list within the past couple of weeks. I realize that much of it has no context here and that it looks a little confusing, but it is a small celebration of things that I completed. It is really difficult for me to celebrate those, so I hope you don’t mind.

Below is my latest comparison picture, once again of my face because I am still really freaked out by the way my body looks. Hopefully that will get better one day, for now I am semi-comfy with this. 

I'm getting better... (430)

Change is scary. I’m talking about real, life-altering change. For most of my life I talked about what I would do “one day” and dreamed about who I could be “if only…” but they were abstract thoughts. There is always an excuse NOT to do something; often that excuse is even valid. At what point do you stop making excuses for yourself and actually start doing something to make meaningful changes in your life? When is it the right time to do what needs doing? 

The time is now. It is always now; mostly because the great life-improving, motivational-speakeresque self-dialogue is an ongoing process, not a one-time event. When I had my weight-loss surgery six months ago I certainly changed “overnight” in some ways. I woke up with about a quarter of my stomach left. Because I have such a tiny stomach I have been losing weight consistently and my quality of life has improved. But! What about all of the changes 600 pound me made before the surgery? 600 pound me decided to take charge of her life. She went on a crazy liver-shrinking diet for several weeks and soldiered through it ALL with (minimal) complaints. She started walking and exercising to improve her chances of surviving the surgery. She made the difficult decision to have the surgery at all AND she endured a six month cycle of continuous dieting, weighing in, getting blood drawn, and having humiliating visits to her doctor. She did all of this because at some point she (I) decided that it’s time to kick it into high-gear and get.shit.done.

Let’s also not forget post-surgical me. Not to self-congratulate too much, but I have worked my ass off (quite literally). I didn’t share too much about it in this blog, but in all honesty I was sick – very sick – for a few months after surgery. Every time I ate I felt like throwing up; and indeed I often did. I felt bad all of the time. Sometimes I wondered if I was dying; sometimes I wished that I was. It got better; it got so much better. Am I at 100% now? No; not even at six months out. I still get sick, though not as much. I struggle daily to eat the way that I should. I rarely get in the liquids I need and I cry sometimes when I brush my hair because so much of it falls out. I am vitamin deficient and sometimes my legs and arms go numb. Some days I am unlovable; some days I stare at a big bottle of pills and I wonder if it would be better if I just gave up. Some days I cry. But, I am getting better. Is it a fairy tale? Hell no. But I am proud of how far I have come.

Often, when I think of where I am in life; how far behind I am when compared to my peers, I wish for a do-over. I am in my thirties – most people my age have kids, jobs, a home. They are settled-in to life and here I am, just getting started. In the past this has been a major source of turmoil and depression for me. Self-deprecation comes so easily to me. But thanks to my fucking rockstar of a therapist, I am gaining insight in this and devising a plan to overcome it.

I started out in life pretty rough. I was molested on a very regular basis by someone very close to me at a very young age. From the ages of about five to eight I endured things that no child should have to endure. I won’t go into detail here, but it is sufficient to say that it was horrible.  This kind of thing leaves a mark on a person; this kind of thing changes a person – especially during her most impressionable years. It created a loop; another cycle. This time the cycle was full of shame, guilt, self-loathing, and despair. I sabotaged myself over and over again during my life because I honestly did not believe that I deserved happiness. I still struggle with the idea. I still look in the mirror, even after losing so much of my “armor”, and see an ugly, desperate little girl who will never be good enough. I still practice self-loathing. But it’s getting better. I’m getting better.

I don’t need to compare myself to anyone else; how can I? No one else has lived my life; no one else has endured the specific set of circumstances that I had on the journey that has led me here, to this point. Are there people who have it much worse than I do? Of course. And make no mistake about it, I own the mistakes that I have made in my life. My abusers did not force me to become obese; these were decisions that I made coupled with a set of very unfortunate circumstances.

I’ve been a victim most of my life; it is a role that I understand and that I am comfortable in. But comfort does not equal healthy; what’s normal for me is not what is good for me. I grasp now that I have the power to change who I am. I’ve let me abusers and my past write my story for me; but I have my own story to write now. I am ready to change; and thus I am changing.

How does all of this relate to my weight loss, you may be wondering? It relates because I define who I am now. And I want to define myself as happy, healthy, active, and beautiful. I want to participate in that color run; I want to be confident in myself when I glance in the mirror; and most of all, I want to dance starry-eyed with reckless abandon. And I will; because I’m getting better.

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I have my six month check-up in a couple of weeks, but I was able to weigh in at my pcp’s office last week. I was quite disappointed that I had not lost more, especially since I have been exercising nearly every day. Ah well, I am still losing and that is what is important. I’ll give an update after my next appointment. Thanks, as always, for reading!