Pre-op Appointment (548)

Well! As you may have noticed I lost 34 pounds!!! I am so excited. It is a RELIEF to see that all of this hunger, stomach pain, and dancing to subpar music is worth something! When I stepped on that scale and saw it bouncing around the 540’s I could not believe it. This means that I have lost a total of 53 pounds! According to the chart I am looking at that is the equivalent to… hmm; a small bale of hay. Okay! I’ll take that. 60 pounds is apparently the equivalent of an elephant’s penis so….looking forward to that, I guess!

Right. What I was saying is I had my pre-op appointment today and it was pretty basic. I decided to go for the On-Q pain pump which will eliminate the need for so much pain medicine, though she did write me two pain prescriptions just in case. Mostly, everyone was excited that I dropped so much weight on the pre-op. It really made me feel great. They give you this plastic cup full of colored stones, one for each pound, and when you leave you drop them into a big glass jar. At the end of the month they count them up and see how many pounds down everyone is.  My cup was overflowing with colored stones; I felt like a star the way everyone was cheering for me.

I haven’t done that well on following my pre-op diet this week. Not that I’m eating the wrong things – quite the opposite really. The past couple of days I have really struggled to get all of my calories in. I think that I averaged 350 to 400 or so. My dietitian wanted me to get to 700, but I find it difficult to. This is crazy coming from someone who ate over 2,000 calories a few months ago. Post op (once I’m on solid food) I should average around 800 or so – but that is a long road ahead. For now I am worried about making it these last four days before surgery. I have had quite a bit of nausea and an upset stomach today, I am thinking that it is because of the spinach I have been eating for dinner. Something about it is just not sitting right. This morning I looked at my husband wide-eyed and asked if he thought it could be the E.coli. He said he hopes not; I do too.

So this is it; the final stretch. I am afraid – I must admit that. Parts of me scream that this is a mistake. It is funny that someone who has had suicidal feelings their entire life can now suddenly want to live so much – and I want to. I want to build a life that I can be proud of. I have to swallow my fears and do this. I try to remind myself that I have been through hell and it has made me stronger. I have lived through torture and abuse; I can make it through this. Plus good drugs will help. I will make one last entry before surgery, or try to. Writing help keep me calm and right now I could use some calming down. 

Small update - PCP Clearance!

Well, I am recently back from my appointment with my primary care physician and he cleared me for surgery!  I think that all there is really left for me to do is wait now. I see my surgeon next Wednesday, and then surgery is the following Monday. SURGERY IS ELEVEN DAYS AWAY OMFG!!!!  Scary. Really, really scary. So far I have held it together pretty well. I had an actual breakdown a little earlier in the week. I actually cried for the loss of junk food. It was an eye opener. 

I never really believed in food addiction; I always kind of thought that it was bullshit; but wow. I have watched friends trying to beat addiction demons; what I would call real addictions, and the response that I had was identical to theirs. I was preparing the grocery list, flipping through a Publix ad and looking at all of this food that I will never be able to eat again and it freaked me out. No more chili dogs, no more pizza, no more cheeseburgers, no more mozzarella sticks… I mean, it’s just food right? I was ready to back out of the surgery because I won’t be able to eat junk food again. If anything, this shows me even more that I have to do this. I mean, it’s not like two or three years down the line I can’t have a slice of pizza. Maybe I freaked out because a lot of what my husband and I have done in the past involved food? Ordering a pizza and breadsticks and watching a movie; going out to all you can eat Chinese, having a picnic at the park with take-out; birthday dinners at my favorite Greek place…it never ends really. We have to find another way, and that is scary.

In the past I have had therapists tell me that significant weight gain, like mine, can sometimes be a self-preservation thing. This makes sense in my case. I suffered some pretty extensive abuse as a child, and maybe wrapping myself in all of this adipose tissue is my way of protecting myself. Maybe the thought of all of those protective layers suddenly not being there is scary and triggered something in me.  Even as a large woman I have occasionally had men look at me in a sexual way (guys who like big women are out there…) and it made me very, very uncomfortable. Even when my husband pays me a little attention it triggers something in me that feels very much like a fight or flight instinct. It is AMAZING how many issues this surgery is unearthing outside of simply being a fat person.

So, in other news, my husband found me some amazing flavored broths. Swanson has a Cajun, a Mexican tortilla, a Thai, and a couple of others that are saving my life right now. The Mexican tortilla was amazing. I had the Cajun a few minutes ago and it was a little…icky. But I am going to give it another shot later. ALSO, he got me 0 cal powdered cheese and bacon stuff. Omg! Omg! Omg! I am putting it on everything. He grabbed me some powdered butter (also 0 cal) as well. Lifesaving!

Oh, and my doctor prescribed Wellbutrin to me; we’ll see how that works for me.  It seems like I have heard bad things about it before, but I can’t remember what they were.  My doctor didn't want to put me on many of the usual suspects – namely Zoloft, because he was afraid that it would contribute to weight gain. Unfortunately, my doctor is one of those that think every single thing that may or may not be wrong with my husband and I is a direct result of our obesity. I’m not saying that the obesity doesn't contribute to many things, but I think it can be dangerous to assume that every ache, pain, or otherwise is “because fat”.  

Ah well, if nothing else, I should be checking in next Wednesday after my last pre-op appointment with my surgeon – with a weight update! Oh! And for christmas this past year I had gotten a really cute size 4 (4x) top from Torrid that sadly did not fit. I threw it in my "maybe one day" clothes pile in the garage and forgot about it. A couple of days ago I pulled it out and thought, "why not try as a reference point? and it fits great! Super excited! I need to dive into the pile and find some smaller pants as the ones that I wear now are getting a little silly looking they are so baggy. 

Pre-op Diet Woes and a Silver Lining

So, just a little update. I started my official pre-op diet yesterday and man, it sucks. I was already doing pretty damned good with eating 1,000 calories a day (in my opinion), and yesterday's calorie count was 402. I was miserable all day long and cried once last night as I watched my husband eat a meal that I cooked for him. That meal was hamburger helper. I believe that hamburger helper is an abomination that should not exist and I was honestly salivating for it. Bleh.

For breakfast I had a protein shake containing one scoop of chocolate peanut butter protein powder mixed into 16 oz of water. It was horrid. It looked as bad as it tasted. I plugged my nose and forced it down, but I decided to try a different approach for lunch. At lunchtime I used a scoop of the unflavored powder mixed into 16 oz of water, but I added a packet of fruit punch crystal light. People, hear me - do NOT do that. It was even more horrendous than the breakfast shake. It was like pepto pink bile. Again, I plugged my nose and swallowed it down. I felt like a beast afterwards, and not in a good way. Now, keep in mind that I do not, in general, mind protein shakes. I am not being a diva about this, I swear! It really was that bad.

When my husband gets home he always has a snack, and so of course I wanted one too. He reminded me that I can eat an unlimited amount of broth, so I had two cups of low-sodium chicken broth that I heavily seasoned with thyme and rosemary. It was heavenly! For dinner I had 2 cups of squash with some dill and garlic sea salt sprinkled on it and the saddest little 4oz tilapia filet I have ever seen (seasoned with pepper and lemon juice).

Other than water that was it! Now, I know what you're probably thinking, "So you had to be hungry one day, BFD". Yes, that's true, it was only day one; but that's the point! I know that as hard as yesterday was, I have TWO WEEKS of this! And at the end of those two weeks? I don't get a prize, I get 3/4 of my stomach cut out. Though, I guess in this case that is a prize of sorts?

First thing this morning I emailed my dietitian to clarify some things - first can I please, for the love of my gag reflex, drink pre-made shakes? She said yes (thank goodness!). Next, is 400 calories a safe amount for me? Because Myfitnesspal says it is not. My app is concerned for my safety and suggested that I contact a doctor. She says I need to eat about 700 calories, but she will get back to me on how to do that, whether it be to up my serving size of meat or add a snack somewhere. Either way, YAY!

So, the silver lining. Having been given the clear to drink premade shakes this morning, I dove for the one that was already chilling in my fridge - a water based (rather than the usual cream-type) that is new to me, Protein 2O, berry splash flavor. It is such a relief! It is wonderful! It literally just tastes like flavored water. It doesn't have any of the weird questionable murkiness of many protein shakes, There is sadly only one place very close to me that sells them, and it is in a mall, and they don't carry the flavor that I want. I would love to get my hands on some lemon flavored, as I love lemon water - but this berry flavor is just fine with me for now. I will likely buy some from their website, as it is cheaper there than from the Vitamin World in the mall. This is less calories (only 70 compared to 111) and tastes so much better. SO much better. I lose some protein with this one when compared to the powder my surgeon gave me, but honestly right now I don't care. I can make up for it by drinking a Premier shake for lunch, which has 30g of protein (more than my surgeon's vomit powder).

So, so far on day two, very little nausea and I am doing okay. Tonight I am going over to my husband's best friend's house. He is a chef at a local high-end steak house and he is making lobster mac and cheese for dinner (le sigh). It's okay! I can do this! I will update again after my pcp appointment on Thursday.

I found an exercise I can do (sorta!)

A couple of days ago I was sitting on my bed playing a videogame doing something really important, and I had my husband really nice surround sound system bumping pretty loudly. I put on Amy Winehouse’s greatest hits album and as I sat there I suddenly just felt like dancing for some reason. Now, this is extra weird because I do NOT dance. I got really shit-faced and danced at a nightclub once or twice and it was pretty humiliating. I have some pretty advanced white-girl dance moves; lots of flailing my hands in the air and swaying in place – it’s not pretty.

Anyway, as I sat there swaying back and forth I thought, “Why not? No one’s home; Imma get up and shake my ass.” Yes, I truly had that thought process. And so I did! I got up and I flailed around manically for about 20 minutes. It then occurred to me, as I sat down weezing and sweating, that this kinda counts as exercise. I mean, it’s not formal exercise, but I sweated! So it kinda is, right? So I logged it in myfitnesspal. They didn’t have my EXACT activity (flail-dancing) so I logged it as slow ballroom dancing. Truly, it is more close to aerobic dancing, but I would rather underestimate my calorie loss than overestimate it. So now I’ve done this thing three days in a row and, I gotta say, it feels pretty good. I typically can’t even walk 20 minutes straight, but somehow I am able to “dance” for that long.

One thing I can say is that I am SO glad no one can see me when I do this. My husband has threatened to hide a camera so he can see me do it, and I have subsequently threatened him with death.

I also wrote a pretty morbid thing about my mental state as I approach my surgery date over on my other blog. You can check that out HERE. Also, my doctor suggested that I hop onto an anti-depressant, so that’s fun.

Random product reviews and general update

Well, after a weekend of ups and downs, here I am on track once again – sort of. I had planned on dropping my calorie count to 1,000 starting today, but I am just not mentally ready for that. I have been pretty good about staying within the range of 1,200 this past week, but it has been a real struggle for me. I have found that a lot of the things that I have bought anticipating them to be good for this stage of my diet are actually not that great. For example – yogurt. Yogurt is great, and my favorite – Greek yogurt – is perfect for someone who is looking for high protein.  BUT daaaaaaaamn! Watch the calories! My absolute favorite flavor is (of course!) over 200 calories for one serving! Add a little high protein granola to that and you’re looking at a 300 – 350 calorie snack. When you are planning to only eat 1,000 calories a day, 350 calorie snacks just can’t really happen. You can find low-cal yogurts, just read the labels carefully. They won’t be as yummy, but what can you do?

Also, all pre-made protein shakes are NOT created equal, in quality or taste. So far, I find that Premier protein shakes offer the best protein bang for your buck, and the one flavor I have had (vanilla) tasted just like melted ice cream. A little too sweet for me, perhaps – but edible and MUCH better than many other brands I have tried. EAS Advantedge is the lowest calorie (only 100!) but it has a bit less protein than Premier. They are both kinda expensive, but not outrageously so. Also the Café Caramel EAS? Pretty great!





On the other hand, most of the really well-known brand’s versions of protein shakes – Special K, V8, Slimfast, Ensure – range from barely passable to rubbish. We decided to try the Walgreens brand chocolate protein shakes that they seem to be discontinuing…. Oh sweet LORD! Stay away. Stay faaaar away. They taste like 20 year old Ovaltine mixed into storm drain water. Plus, high cal and less than impressive protein.


I have also been eating protein bars – primarily Zone Perfect brand because I was able to coupon several boxes of them on the cheap. So far I have had the Greek Yogurt Chocolate, The Peanut Butter Chocolate, the Fudge Graham, and the Chocolate Almond Raisin – all good! I do have to say that the Chocolate Almond Raisin has this weird liqueur flavor to it that bothers me a little, but if your into that kind of thing it will work for you. These are all pretty good protein, but kinda high calorie (around 210 or so). Honestly though, when I really just need to chew something, these are great. They are really filling and they take a while to eat. EVEN BETTER, the WAWA’s up the street from us stocks these Jack Links jumbo beef steak sticks. I get the teriyaki and I love it. It takes me about 20 minutes to eat the whole thing and its only 130 calories! The sodium is pretty scary (900+), so it is definitely a once in a while thing.

Well, I suppose that’s all for now! I have a pretty quiet week as far as surgery prep goes. Next Monday (3/09) I officially start the liver-shrinking pre-op diet. It is a little intimidating, but I am ready for it. I don't get to weigh in again until March 18th! I wish I knew where I stand right now. Ah well. If I am lucky I’ll hear from my surgeon’s office that my insurance has approved me in a couple of days. Cross your fingers and toes for me!