Pre-op Appointment (548)

Well! As you may have noticed I lost 34 pounds!!! I am so excited. It is a RELIEF to see that all of this hunger, stomach pain, and dancing to subpar music is worth something! When I stepped on that scale and saw it bouncing around the 540’s I could not believe it. This means that I have lost a total of 53 pounds! According to the chart I am looking at that is the equivalent to… hmm; a small bale of hay. Okay! I’ll take that. 60 pounds is apparently the equivalent of an elephant’s penis so….looking forward to that, I guess!

Right. What I was saying is I had my pre-op appointment today and it was pretty basic. I decided to go for the On-Q pain pump which will eliminate the need for so much pain medicine, though she did write me two pain prescriptions just in case. Mostly, everyone was excited that I dropped so much weight on the pre-op. It really made me feel great. They give you this plastic cup full of colored stones, one for each pound, and when you leave you drop them into a big glass jar. At the end of the month they count them up and see how many pounds down everyone is.  My cup was overflowing with colored stones; I felt like a star the way everyone was cheering for me.

I haven’t done that well on following my pre-op diet this week. Not that I’m eating the wrong things – quite the opposite really. The past couple of days I have really struggled to get all of my calories in. I think that I averaged 350 to 400 or so. My dietitian wanted me to get to 700, but I find it difficult to. This is crazy coming from someone who ate over 2,000 calories a few months ago. Post op (once I’m on solid food) I should average around 800 or so – but that is a long road ahead. For now I am worried about making it these last four days before surgery. I have had quite a bit of nausea and an upset stomach today, I am thinking that it is because of the spinach I have been eating for dinner. Something about it is just not sitting right. This morning I looked at my husband wide-eyed and asked if he thought it could be the E.coli. He said he hopes not; I do too.

So this is it; the final stretch. I am afraid – I must admit that. Parts of me scream that this is a mistake. It is funny that someone who has had suicidal feelings their entire life can now suddenly want to live so much – and I want to. I want to build a life that I can be proud of. I have to swallow my fears and do this. I try to remind myself that I have been through hell and it has made me stronger. I have lived through torture and abuse; I can make it through this. Plus good drugs will help. I will make one last entry before surgery, or try to. Writing help keep me calm and right now I could use some calming down.