Checking in (396!)

Hello, hello! Well, as you may have noticed by the title of this entry….I am out of the 400’s!!!! This is pretty monumental for me! I am already focused on the next 100 pounds. If I can get out of the 300’s… I just don’t know. I don’t know how that is going to feel because it has been so very long since I have been under 300 pounds. I think I may have been a teenager the last time? I have always been a, uhm, larger girl – so I am not sure.

I went by my surgeon’s office yesterday, not because I had an appointment but because I was curious. It had been a month and I have been working my ass off. My eating has been…meh. But I have been hitting two miles a day, every weekday for the past couple of weeks. I never thought that I would be one of those people that gets up and exercises in the morning; but here I am. As you can probably imagine (or maybe not) it was quite surreal to see the first digit of my weight be a three. Just seven months or so ago I was 600 pounds. 600. There are exploitative freak-show style shows on television about 600 pounds people. Those people could have been me. I was those people; I just didn’t get a television show.

Often, this is what well-meaning people reference when I tell them my weight. They will say that, “I saw this show on TV called My 600 pounds Life! The lady on it was so sad and she couldn’t get out of bed and…” Sometimes they will ask me if I could get out of bed; if I was very sad; did I eat potato chips and cookies all of the time. The truthful answers? Yes, I could and did get out of bed, though I was often quite sedentary (still am sometimes!). Yes, I was very, very sad. I wanted nothing more than to just die peacefully in my sleep and never have to wake up and haul this body around again – never feel the constant shame and self-hatred that I had – and most of all never be a burden to anyone ever again. And finally, no – I honestly very rarely ate potato chips. I didn’t keep a snack stash in my home. I rarely bought snack food at all. This is not me being in denial; it is true. When I did eat I ate way, way too much. I also ate the wrong things; I loved carbs. I ate to make myself feel better – and I felt bad all of the time so basically I ate all of the time.

I can remember about a decade ago, a close friend of mine and I would go fast food hopping. We would go to Wendy’s and order several things off of the dollar menu; then we would go to McDonald’s and do the same thing – then to Burger King. Literally! She and I were both very large (though I was not yet at my largest), and we have both now had weight-loss surgery. Why did we do it? I still don’t know. No we weren’t high – we were just sad, I think. Very, very sad.

So I think that now, at 200+ pounds lost, I find myself at a crossroads of sorts. I could continue what I am doing and continue to lose at a slower and slower rate, which is normal. It is easier for a larger person to lose weight than a smaller person. I could stop – just stop trying for a while. I could take a break from all of the dieting and exercise. Or, I could push harder. That is, I could push myself to make harder exercise goals; make my protein and water intake goals; and of course make my calorie goals. What to do?

I think that I am ready to push harder. I don’t want to stall out or slow down – I want to go all the way down to my goal weight. I want to finally look in the mirror and say, “Yes. I look nice today.” I want so badly to feel and look beautiful. I want to run without worrying about if my heart and lungs can take it. So that’s that – where to start?

1. Continue to fix my head. This is so vital for me because if my head is not in the right place I will fail. The way that I am now, I could reach my goal weight and still look in the mirror and hate myself. I don’t want to be that girl anymore.
2. Keep it at around 800 calories a day. I think that this is a magic number for me. 700 is a bit of a strain – I can do it but I’d rather save that for when it is getting really hard to lose. I think 800 is reasonable.
3. For the love of bob, I need to hit my 80-100g of protein goal – without it my hair falls out and I am a wreck. I would love to do this without eating meat, and I will be getting some tips from a friend of mine who is vegan (hopefully). If not, lots and lots of Interwebs searching.
4. WATER!!!! I am so dehydrated most of the time that I can grab my skin, pull it, and it stays exactly where I pulled it to. I need 100ml of water at the absolute minimum. I actually probably need more. I typically get about half of what I need in a day. This has got to increase as it is the likely source of my constant dizziness and lightheadedness.
5. I need to invest in the vitamins and supplements that I need to survive. I have got to stop putting my needs on the back-burner all of the time. I have been going without my multi and without my biotin for months now. It has to stop.
6. Reach 3 miles a day by the end of the year. I’m already at 2 miles a day – I think I’ve got this!!!
7. Just join the damned gym already. Seriously. YouFit is $10 a month. I can fork that over.

Right now that’s the plan. My advice to other WL patients in the middle of their weight loss? Switch it up. Don’t get lazy, and don’t settle for small losses early on. See you in two weeks!

Adventures in Exercising While Fat

Oh, hai! I just got home from my morning walk a few minutes ago. I came home, took my dog out, and quickly stuffed a Greek yogurt down my gullet before deciding to go ahead and whip up this blog post while the idea is still swimming around in my mind.

 Exercising while fat is, I think, a unique event in one’s life. To be completely honest, I never really exercised this much before. I was totally happy with my video gamer’s physique. Well, not happy with it per se, but not unhappy enough with it to get off of my ass and exercise. As a disclaimer, let me add that there are fat people who exercise all of the time – and not just to lose weight. Some fat people are truly active – I certainly was not, which I am sure was a contributing factor in me getting as large as I was (am). 

Exercising while fat is not unique in that way. No, exercising while fat is unique in the way that other people perceive you and express their thoughts of you. I have gotten a wide range of responses from complete strangers in public – a range of things that made me feel both irritated and sad. Now, I do elicit responses from friends and family on my private social media sites – and those responses, whatever they may be, are absolutely kind and wanted because by posting my exercise business on facebook, I am essentially asking for their opinion, input, or praise. Cool! Thanks! I love getting praise from my friends. Even strangers here on the Interwebs! Especially here, on this blog! I am here putting my business out there in the hopes that it will inspire and/or help people going through similar things. Input and responses here? Totally welcome. But a stranger on the street? Kind of weird.

Here is an example; one day after just starting my morning walk, some guy stopped his car to ask me if I was okay. I wasn’t huffing and puffing; I wasn’t visibly exhausted – I had just started. “Well, that was nice of him to show concern!” you are probably thinking. And hey, in a way, maybe it was nice of him to show concern. Maybe, in his mind, he was doing a good deed. But this guy’s thought process was likely, “Look, a fat person exercising. She must be on the verge of a stroke!”, or, “There’s no way that fat person is walking on purpose; she must be in trouble.”  In other words, while this may have been well-meaning, all it did was make me feel shitty about myself. That’s really more about me than him, but I would have rather he kept his concern to himself. 

Next are the people who feel the need to cheer me on… wtf? I have had several people slow-roll by to say things like, “Great job!” or, “Keep pushing!” I love hearing these things from my friends and family – from some rando? Just… no thank you. First, it is condescending as hell. These people are making a lot of assumptions about me – my health, my activity level, my capability. Also, shouting things at a person as you drive by is usually a shitty thing to do in general as it is typically negative. I also have people shout “fatty” and “fat bitch” and various other colorful things at me; so your well-meaning atta-boy immediately comes off as sarcastic. 

And yes, there are those; the people who are hurling insults at me first thing in the morning for no apparent reason. Isn’t eight a.m. a bit early for insults to strangers? I’m walking around a neighborhood so most of these people are literally just starting their day; they’ve not been in traffic yet or anything! 

Lastly, there are the pervs. Again, at eight a.m. I am not ready for sexual innuendos or other such things; I am certainly not prepared to see a stray penis being wagged at me. This is not at all unique to exercising as a fat person; but is sadly common for women in general. Maybe it is for men, as well? I really couldn’t say; I can only describe my experience as a woman and as a fat person. It isn’t that common (for me), but it does occur. If you live in an area where you are catcalled regularly, you have my sympathies. I know that, for me, it completely ruins the rest of my walk as I get really paranoid and feel unsafe. 

So, if you are a fat person exercising in public, and especially a fat woman, here are a few tips to help you get through that! 

1. Look the part – Wear actual workout gear if you can help it. I tried walking in regular street clothes and I got approached by well-meaning concern trolls over and over again. So, grab some stretchy pants and a t-shirt and pull your hair back. You are exercising – own it! 

2. Get an ipod or something similar and be really in to your music. I keep mine cranked up so I don’t hear traffic and other sounds – it helps drown out distractions. The only side note on this is BE CAREFUL! Always be aware of your surroundings – remember that if your music is cranked up you probably won’t hear someone coming up behind you. Also, don’t get so into a song that you walk out in front of a car. Pedestrian deaths are a major issue here. I walked out in front of a car last week because I was really into a Beastie Boys song. 

3. Try not to take things personally. Some days people will be jerks, other days you will have wonderful experiences. More often than not, the people who stop to ask if you are okay are doing it out of kindness. Try to be patient with them. The strangers who want to cheer you on? As condescending as it may be they are, in their minds, doing you a great favor and making your day better. Again, try to be patient with them. 

4. Ladies. And I’ll make an independent post about this at some point, but a good bra, preferably a sports bra, is your very best friend. Also, chub rub is bad. There are anti-chaffing creams, balms, and powders as well as undershorts. Invest! 

Lastly, to contrast some of the negativity I am spewing, let me share a positive thing that happened the other day. I had just started my walk and was walking along a semi-major road. A lot of parents hang out on this road with their kids waiting for the school bus to arrive. I usually avoid all of the kids, but on this day I decided not to. I approached the area where they were clustered and suddenly the CUTEST little boy I have ever seen breaks from the crowd and runs at me with his little hand stretched out to me like he wanted to give me something. He was maybe three and he had the biggest smile on his face. I squatted down and smiled at him, opening my hand to receive whatever it was that he wanted to give me (that was a risky move on my part), and he dropped a tiny white flower in my hand. He smiled, giggled, and ran back to his grandmother who was shaking her head and smiling at him. This made my day. This small act of innocent kindness really, really made my day. And this kind of thing will happen and eclipse any of the negative you encounter. But the most positive thing about it? No matter what size you are, when you choose to exercise you are taking care of you. Seize that time for yourself and make the best of it. 

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Now, my bi-weekly checkpoint update. This has been a really rough couple of week for me. If you read my other blog, you know that I had to have my dog euthanized last week, which was crushing to me. I think the main things that I want to celebrate are:

Taking the time to care for myself emotionally and physically and:

Reaching the two-mile mark on my walks (yesterday!)

Although these seem pretty meager, they are both huge for me. Usually, when I have a tragedy, I shut down – I isolate and punish myself by not taking care of myself. This can manifest in taking substances, binge eating, not eating at all, not bathing for a week, not brushing my teeth for a week, or any other number of ways. I have been very careful about taking care of me during this, and in being forgiving to myself for any mistakes that I have made. Grief is a bitch and I don’t handle it well. 

Also hitting two miles in my walk? Woah. I never thought that I would be able to do this. When I got home from my walk yesterday and calculated my “mileage” I shook my head and recalculated it again, and again because I didn’t believe it. I was supposed to hit this goal in December. I honestly think that working through my pain and grief pushed me. When I walk I can space out and I need that right now.