General update- almost a year out! (340)

Hello strangers!

I have had a couple of people request a blog update, and I have been very slow to oblige. Mostly because I am having some pretty severe writer’s block, but also because I have been lazy.
With the help of my handy new scale that I got for Christmas, I am able to keep up with my weight now. This has been double-edged! I got to the point that I was weighing myself every day, and that was becoming unhealthy for me. I obsessed, even more than I normally do, over my weight. If I found that I had lost very minimal, or lord forbid gained, it ruined my entire day. With the help of my husband, I limit myself to one weigh-in a week. I have noticed a pattern forming – one week of plateau followed by a week of loss. Right now I tend to lose five to six pounds a week. I use the Monitor Your Weight app on my tablet and it gives me a few neat visuals – I do recommend it – it’s free and rather handy.

According to the app, I am about 58% to my goal, which is a little discouraging considering I am almost a year out. It also tells me that I lose an average of 5.56 lbs a week/ 0.79 lbs a day. My current BMI is 51.8, which is terrible unless you compare it to my starting BMI of 91.4. I really have lost a lot; and I have a lot to be proud of myself for… and yet! I am still disappointed. I know I have said it before but there is more headwork to this process than there is working out.

I still struggle daily to get my water in and I still find it difficult to stay within the 800 calorie range. Some days I want to snack all day, but I stop myself of course. I have found a lot of healthier snacks. Although they are a little carb-y, I really like the Dutch cocoa flavored Somersaults you can get from Target. Cheese is always a great option, of course. Hummus is reliable and tasty. Oh! I broke down and forked out the $5 a bag for some of those parmesan cheese crisps… all I can say is wow. I bought the Cello brand whisps from Publix. They were more than $5….closer to $6, and you don’t get very much in a bag BUT they are amazing. They are just parmesan cheese fried or baked or something to make them the texture of a chip or a cracker. They have great crunch and they taste, well, like cheese since that’s all they are. I’m all about them. I ate them plain, but I can totally see using them with dip. I’d like to find something for salsa, but I don’t think parmesan would work well with that. Maybe if I can find cheddar… There are a ton of tutorials and recipes online to make them yourself so I may give it a try at some point and post it to the food blog I plan on making. I know, I know… I don’t even keep this one or manic.poetic up… but I kind of have to obsess about food these days; why not write about it?

Aside from my weight-loss, I have been meeting some of my other personal goals. I sorted out the garage, which was a mountain of a task and… I GOT A JOB! For the first time in a decade I have an actual 9-5 job with benefits and pay and everything! I’m excited and anxious about starting (I do so in March), and am lucky enough to have a ton of office-appropriate clothes. This brings me to another point, which will be an echo of things I have said in the past… surgery is a wonderful opportunity to make contacts and friends.

I am in several online support communities, but the one I am the most active in by far is full of people who had surgery the same month and year as me. We are mostly women; mostly thirty-somethings; and are all friends. Over the past year we have grown into a really tight group. We celebrate each other’s victories; weight related or not. We have each other’s backs. We genuinely are a huge group of friends. I have gotten to meet a few of these women in person – I’m lucky enough to live in an area where many people vacation. I have had three of these women give me their clothes that are too big for them. As I told them… that was life-changing for me. I have been so broke for so long… being unemployed will do that to you. And they gave me pretty much everything that I need to work out in, to go out and have fun in, and to go to work in. I’m not a Christian and I am not one to throw around words like “blessed”; but I truly feel blessed to have met these women, for so many reasons. So, get to know people who are going through what you’re going through. It is incredibly helpful.

Speaking of clothes… my size! When I started I was in 36/38 women’s, which is NOT easy to find. Now I mostly wear 22/24, though I have been able to comfortably fit some 18/20s. It’s mind-blowing. I know that I am by no means skinny now, but what a world of difference! I feel the difference. I feel more alive. I am able to enjoy life; to go out and do things. A couple of weeks ago my husband and I went to the Saturday morning market. I walked around, spent way too much money on local-grown organic foods, and ate! And I didn’t gorge myself... I enjoyed my food! I didn’t feel like everyone was looking at me or judging me. I didn’t have to sit and rest because my back and knees were hurting…in fact I didn’t get tired at all. This weekend? I’m going to watch an old friend of mine perform. I don’t have to worry if I am going to fit in the seats or if people are going to laugh at me. It is such a relief!

I’m posting my most recent before and after. This was a few weeks ago. Until next time! I should update after my year appointment, which is happening a little early since I had to reschedule for my job. Xx

Nine Month Follow up (364)

Well hello! As always, it has been a while. But I do have plenty of stuff to talk about so I’d better get started!

First, I took the month of November off to write for National Novel Writing Month and I did pretty well. I did not “win” but I wrote 40,000 + words. I have a significant chunk of my first novel written, and that counts for something.  I continued my writing into December, but I have not been writing for the past couple of weeks because I have shifted my focus onto finding an actual job. Resume has been written and applications have been filled out. I’m cautiously optimistic, but will continue to job hunt. 

So, as you can see, I weighed in at 364 at my nine month check-up! When I started this “journey” earlier this year I would never have dreamed to be under 400 pounds already. And yet I am not satisfied – far from it. I am somewhere around my half-way point, sadly. Much has changed as far as my intake and my exercise, so I will discuss those things and try to focus mainly on the positive. 

It is WAY harder for me to stay on calorie goal these days. I think this is a combination of being able to eat a little more and it being the season of eating. My surgeon stressed the importance of staying between 800 and 1,000 calories. I set my calorie goal at 800 and if I drift up to 1,000… well at least I gave myself some wiggle room. When I review myfitnesspal I see that one of my main problems is snacking on high calorie cheeses (I’m looking at you Trader Joe’s bacon cheddar cheese). I can remedy this by cutting down, which will be easier since the cheeses will stop being on sale so much now that the holidays are over.

I also need to meal plan. Planning our meals post op is SO important. I am going to start doing this with the help of the Rock’s Kitchen bariatric food group on Facebook. I joined this group a while back and have been snagging recipes left and right off of it. The goal there is basically to make food that is healthy, interesting, and delicious and I’m all for that. If you’re a bariatric patient and you’re not in this group you really should be. The basics will only go so far until you are done with them… and trust me; I am DONE with eating the same old thing every single day, which is probably why old eating habits are trying to sneak back in. 

This isn’t a group where members just post various recipes they find online, though that does happen. There are weekly contests that spur new ideas; new twists on familiar ingredients. I see things on there that I would never dream to cook, and that is exciting for me. These aren’t just reposts of someone else’s recipe; the members actually make them. It’s fun and interesting to see what they try and to be able to ask them what worked and didn’t work about the recipe. I know it sounds like I’m pitching this, but it really has helped me a ton, and will continue to do so. Get into a community; be around people going through similar things – it helps. 

Let’s see… otherwise, I had been feeling really sluggish and tired all of the time; for months probably. I was also having consistent numbness in my hands, legs, and arms. That seems to be easing up now, assumedly because my doctor reduced my blood pressure medicine by half. I was on 50mg of hydrochlorothiazide (sp???!!!) a day to help with blood pressure and swelling in my legs and ankles. I feel better; I really do. My legs are swelling more, however. I think this is something hereditary and not necessarily to do with my weight. I am trying to reduce my sodium intake, which has been through the roof lately as I have been craving the hell out of pickles. Reeling it in and hoping it will help. 

I am also working hard to up my water intake. I get about six to eight cups of water a day right now, which is not enough for me. I’ll keep working on it, though. I’ve felt the effects of dehydration and they are not pleasant at all. 

I don’t know if I mentioned it, or if I had achieved it yet or not in my last post, but I typically walk two miles every weekday morning now. I have an established route. The only issue is I seem to be unable to walk further than that. I have hit a wall at two miles. I saw Ava, my personal trainer, a few weeks ago and she set me up to start doing a bit of homemade interval training – the chart she drew out for me is below. 

Basically, on a scale of one to ten of how hard I am pushing myself, I estimated that I walk at about a three normally. So, she wants me to start and end my walk with about ten minutes of walking at a two (a warm-up and cool-down), with my normal (three) rate in-between. In that “normal” walk time, I do three 30 second pushes of walking at a four or five, evenly spaced out. It is actually not as complicated as it probably sounds. Also, I was really surprised by how easy it was for me. I thought pushing myself would wear me out, but it actually seems to give me more energy. She instructed me to make the intervals longer, or to add another interval if I feel it is getting too easy. I have lengthened my intervals to forty seconds at this point and will sit there until it gets too easy for me. 

That’s really about it, I suppose. Keep pushing; keep doing the same thing you’ve been succeeding with. I may only be about halfway to my goal, but I have already succeeded. I’m looking better and feeling better. The loose skin that I am accumulating is a downer, but I think it will firm up some with time – and what doesn’t can get snipped one day! 

Thanks for reading! Hopefully I’ll check in BEFORE my year check-up! The picture below is a comparison that my surgeon sent me at my check-up! My face looks weird as hell (I think I was mid-cough) but I can actually see a difference. 

Checking in (396!)

Hello, hello! Well, as you may have noticed by the title of this entry….I am out of the 400’s!!!! This is pretty monumental for me! I am already focused on the next 100 pounds. If I can get out of the 300’s… I just don’t know. I don’t know how that is going to feel because it has been so very long since I have been under 300 pounds. I think I may have been a teenager the last time? I have always been a, uhm, larger girl – so I am not sure.

I went by my surgeon’s office yesterday, not because I had an appointment but because I was curious. It had been a month and I have been working my ass off. My eating has been…meh. But I have been hitting two miles a day, every weekday for the past couple of weeks. I never thought that I would be one of those people that gets up and exercises in the morning; but here I am. As you can probably imagine (or maybe not) it was quite surreal to see the first digit of my weight be a three. Just seven months or so ago I was 600 pounds. 600. There are exploitative freak-show style shows on television about 600 pounds people. Those people could have been me. I was those people; I just didn’t get a television show.

Often, this is what well-meaning people reference when I tell them my weight. They will say that, “I saw this show on TV called My 600 pounds Life! The lady on it was so sad and she couldn’t get out of bed and…” Sometimes they will ask me if I could get out of bed; if I was very sad; did I eat potato chips and cookies all of the time. The truthful answers? Yes, I could and did get out of bed, though I was often quite sedentary (still am sometimes!). Yes, I was very, very sad. I wanted nothing more than to just die peacefully in my sleep and never have to wake up and haul this body around again – never feel the constant shame and self-hatred that I had – and most of all never be a burden to anyone ever again. And finally, no – I honestly very rarely ate potato chips. I didn’t keep a snack stash in my home. I rarely bought snack food at all. This is not me being in denial; it is true. When I did eat I ate way, way too much. I also ate the wrong things; I loved carbs. I ate to make myself feel better – and I felt bad all of the time so basically I ate all of the time.

I can remember about a decade ago, a close friend of mine and I would go fast food hopping. We would go to Wendy’s and order several things off of the dollar menu; then we would go to McDonald’s and do the same thing – then to Burger King. Literally! She and I were both very large (though I was not yet at my largest), and we have both now had weight-loss surgery. Why did we do it? I still don’t know. No we weren’t high – we were just sad, I think. Very, very sad.

So I think that now, at 200+ pounds lost, I find myself at a crossroads of sorts. I could continue what I am doing and continue to lose at a slower and slower rate, which is normal. It is easier for a larger person to lose weight than a smaller person. I could stop – just stop trying for a while. I could take a break from all of the dieting and exercise. Or, I could push harder. That is, I could push myself to make harder exercise goals; make my protein and water intake goals; and of course make my calorie goals. What to do?

I think that I am ready to push harder. I don’t want to stall out or slow down – I want to go all the way down to my goal weight. I want to finally look in the mirror and say, “Yes. I look nice today.” I want so badly to feel and look beautiful. I want to run without worrying about if my heart and lungs can take it. So that’s that – where to start?

1. Continue to fix my head. This is so vital for me because if my head is not in the right place I will fail. The way that I am now, I could reach my goal weight and still look in the mirror and hate myself. I don’t want to be that girl anymore.
2. Keep it at around 800 calories a day. I think that this is a magic number for me. 700 is a bit of a strain – I can do it but I’d rather save that for when it is getting really hard to lose. I think 800 is reasonable.
3. For the love of bob, I need to hit my 80-100g of protein goal – without it my hair falls out and I am a wreck. I would love to do this without eating meat, and I will be getting some tips from a friend of mine who is vegan (hopefully). If not, lots and lots of Interwebs searching.
4. WATER!!!! I am so dehydrated most of the time that I can grab my skin, pull it, and it stays exactly where I pulled it to. I need 100ml of water at the absolute minimum. I actually probably need more. I typically get about half of what I need in a day. This has got to increase as it is the likely source of my constant dizziness and lightheadedness.
5. I need to invest in the vitamins and supplements that I need to survive. I have got to stop putting my needs on the back-burner all of the time. I have been going without my multi and without my biotin for months now. It has to stop.
6. Reach 3 miles a day by the end of the year. I’m already at 2 miles a day – I think I’ve got this!!!
7. Just join the damned gym already. Seriously. YouFit is $10 a month. I can fork that over.

Right now that’s the plan. My advice to other WL patients in the middle of their weight loss? Switch it up. Don’t get lazy, and don’t settle for small losses early on. See you in two weeks!

Adventures in Exercising While Fat

Oh, hai! I just got home from my morning walk a few minutes ago. I came home, took my dog out, and quickly stuffed a Greek yogurt down my gullet before deciding to go ahead and whip up this blog post while the idea is still swimming around in my mind.

 Exercising while fat is, I think, a unique event in one’s life. To be completely honest, I never really exercised this much before. I was totally happy with my video gamer’s physique. Well, not happy with it per se, but not unhappy enough with it to get off of my ass and exercise. As a disclaimer, let me add that there are fat people who exercise all of the time – and not just to lose weight. Some fat people are truly active – I certainly was not, which I am sure was a contributing factor in me getting as large as I was (am). 

Exercising while fat is not unique in that way. No, exercising while fat is unique in the way that other people perceive you and express their thoughts of you. I have gotten a wide range of responses from complete strangers in public – a range of things that made me feel both irritated and sad. Now, I do elicit responses from friends and family on my private social media sites – and those responses, whatever they may be, are absolutely kind and wanted because by posting my exercise business on facebook, I am essentially asking for their opinion, input, or praise. Cool! Thanks! I love getting praise from my friends. Even strangers here on the Interwebs! Especially here, on this blog! I am here putting my business out there in the hopes that it will inspire and/or help people going through similar things. Input and responses here? Totally welcome. But a stranger on the street? Kind of weird.

Here is an example; one day after just starting my morning walk, some guy stopped his car to ask me if I was okay. I wasn’t huffing and puffing; I wasn’t visibly exhausted – I had just started. “Well, that was nice of him to show concern!” you are probably thinking. And hey, in a way, maybe it was nice of him to show concern. Maybe, in his mind, he was doing a good deed. But this guy’s thought process was likely, “Look, a fat person exercising. She must be on the verge of a stroke!”, or, “There’s no way that fat person is walking on purpose; she must be in trouble.”  In other words, while this may have been well-meaning, all it did was make me feel shitty about myself. That’s really more about me than him, but I would have rather he kept his concern to himself. 

Next are the people who feel the need to cheer me on… wtf? I have had several people slow-roll by to say things like, “Great job!” or, “Keep pushing!” I love hearing these things from my friends and family – from some rando? Just… no thank you. First, it is condescending as hell. These people are making a lot of assumptions about me – my health, my activity level, my capability. Also, shouting things at a person as you drive by is usually a shitty thing to do in general as it is typically negative. I also have people shout “fatty” and “fat bitch” and various other colorful things at me; so your well-meaning atta-boy immediately comes off as sarcastic. 

And yes, there are those; the people who are hurling insults at me first thing in the morning for no apparent reason. Isn’t eight a.m. a bit early for insults to strangers? I’m walking around a neighborhood so most of these people are literally just starting their day; they’ve not been in traffic yet or anything! 

Lastly, there are the pervs. Again, at eight a.m. I am not ready for sexual innuendos or other such things; I am certainly not prepared to see a stray penis being wagged at me. This is not at all unique to exercising as a fat person; but is sadly common for women in general. Maybe it is for men, as well? I really couldn’t say; I can only describe my experience as a woman and as a fat person. It isn’t that common (for me), but it does occur. If you live in an area where you are catcalled regularly, you have my sympathies. I know that, for me, it completely ruins the rest of my walk as I get really paranoid and feel unsafe. 

So, if you are a fat person exercising in public, and especially a fat woman, here are a few tips to help you get through that! 

1. Look the part – Wear actual workout gear if you can help it. I tried walking in regular street clothes and I got approached by well-meaning concern trolls over and over again. So, grab some stretchy pants and a t-shirt and pull your hair back. You are exercising – own it! 

2. Get an ipod or something similar and be really in to your music. I keep mine cranked up so I don’t hear traffic and other sounds – it helps drown out distractions. The only side note on this is BE CAREFUL! Always be aware of your surroundings – remember that if your music is cranked up you probably won’t hear someone coming up behind you. Also, don’t get so into a song that you walk out in front of a car. Pedestrian deaths are a major issue here. I walked out in front of a car last week because I was really into a Beastie Boys song. 

3. Try not to take things personally. Some days people will be jerks, other days you will have wonderful experiences. More often than not, the people who stop to ask if you are okay are doing it out of kindness. Try to be patient with them. The strangers who want to cheer you on? As condescending as it may be they are, in their minds, doing you a great favor and making your day better. Again, try to be patient with them. 

4. Ladies. And I’ll make an independent post about this at some point, but a good bra, preferably a sports bra, is your very best friend. Also, chub rub is bad. There are anti-chaffing creams, balms, and powders as well as undershorts. Invest! 

Lastly, to contrast some of the negativity I am spewing, let me share a positive thing that happened the other day. I had just started my walk and was walking along a semi-major road. A lot of parents hang out on this road with their kids waiting for the school bus to arrive. I usually avoid all of the kids, but on this day I decided not to. I approached the area where they were clustered and suddenly the CUTEST little boy I have ever seen breaks from the crowd and runs at me with his little hand stretched out to me like he wanted to give me something. He was maybe three and he had the biggest smile on his face. I squatted down and smiled at him, opening my hand to receive whatever it was that he wanted to give me (that was a risky move on my part), and he dropped a tiny white flower in my hand. He smiled, giggled, and ran back to his grandmother who was shaking her head and smiling at him. This made my day. This small act of innocent kindness really, really made my day. And this kind of thing will happen and eclipse any of the negative you encounter. But the most positive thing about it? No matter what size you are, when you choose to exercise you are taking care of you. Seize that time for yourself and make the best of it. 

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Now, my bi-weekly checkpoint update. This has been a really rough couple of week for me. If you read my other blog, you know that I had to have my dog euthanized last week, which was crushing to me. I think the main things that I want to celebrate are:

Taking the time to care for myself emotionally and physically and:

Reaching the two-mile mark on my walks (yesterday!)

Although these seem pretty meager, they are both huge for me. Usually, when I have a tragedy, I shut down – I isolate and punish myself by not taking care of myself. This can manifest in taking substances, binge eating, not eating at all, not bathing for a week, not brushing my teeth for a week, or any other number of ways. I have been very careful about taking care of me during this, and in being forgiving to myself for any mistakes that I have made. Grief is a bitch and I don’t handle it well. 

Also hitting two miles in my walk? Woah. I never thought that I would be able to do this. When I got home from my walk yesterday and calculated my “mileage” I shook my head and recalculated it again, and again because I didn’t believe it. I was supposed to hit this goal in December. I honestly think that working through my pain and grief pushed me. When I walk I can space out and I need that right now. 

Catching up and #100days (417)

Ah, yet another catch-up post. I have been doing fairly well for myself lately as far as health goes. I met with Ava (the personal trainer) a second time to get a reassessment of where I am and where I am headed. She had instructed me on our first meeting to walk every weekday and gradually increase my distance to being able to walk between home and my mother-in-law’s house, which is about 0.7 mile away. I crushed this goal, and she was quite pleased. For several weeks my daily walk lingered at between 0.5 and 0.8 mile, but I decided to push myself. For the past couple of weeks I have been hitting a mile every weekday. I understand that for the average person walking a mile is not a big accomplishment, but for me it is huge.

My new goal is to make it to two miles a day before the end of the year. I am pretty exhausted after one mile at this point, but I think that if I just keep pushing I will get there. Ava also wants me to join a gym and do 15 minutes of treadmill or bike/15 minutes of weight training on machines/15 minutes of walking or bike riding. I have found the gym that I want to join; I just have to do it. I plan on joining YouFit next week. They have great reviews and they are only $10 a month, which is an incredible price.

Also! I have decided to start training for a few run/walks! The first one will be the annual Turkey Trot, but the ones that I am really looking forward to come next year and are 3k’s. I am going to do ColorFunFest next year; it’s a 5k that they run at night, so that will be much kinder to my very pale skin. At this point that is way, way too advanced for me; but it gives me something to work towards.

My food intake has been good-ish. I have been keeping it under 1k calories, and in the range of 700-800 calories most days. We found ourselves in a tight spot financially for the past couple of weeks, so I have been surviving off of what I can coupon for – which is rarely healthy. I did manage to get a couple of boxes of frozen turkey burgers which are very healthy. I have been eating a half of a patty (no bun) with a Laughing Cow wedge and some olives for breakfast and lunch the past several days. I am surviving in the food area, but not thriving. Things will get better soon with that, though. Payday is coming and with it a nice trip to the store to get some real foods.

My water intake is up! Finally! I bought a couple of the big Smartwater bottles a few weeks ago (yes, it does taste better and different to me). I refill those with tap water and stick them in the fridge. To reach my new water goal (100 oz a day) I need to drink about three of these. I typically reach two at this point, which is much better than the half a bottle I was drinking before. Progress! Not so much progress on my vitamins, sadly. I have to buy them. I finally found the ones that I need though, so there is that!

Also, I had my six month check-up with my surgeon and she was thrilled with my progress! She said, “Whatever it is that you’re doing, just keep doing that.”  She also said that I’m her star patient and insisted on taking photos of me to show off. It really made me feel good! I was sad (as always) that I had not lost more, but I am still making great progress. I am almost to the 300’s; finally! What will life be like for me then? Every 100 pounds (200, 300, 400, 500, 600) is a place to stop and really reflect. When I crossed from 601 back into the 500’s that was nice, though it was still sad because the 500’s is a really scary place to be weight-wise. When I got into the 400’s I was relieved because while the 400s is still ridiculously too large, it is in the range of being a more “normal” extremely obese. Now I am moving into (and may have already moved into, it’s been some weeks since I have weighed) the 300’s. What can I accomplish in the 300’s? Much, I think. Then eventually, if I am lucky and I work hard enough who knows? Maybe I’ll see the 200’s? Dare I dream enough to say I may one day reach the 100’s; “Onederland” as we call it in my support group? It will be a while. For now I can only focus on the next fifty pounds.

Now the #100days thing is something completely different. It is this thing my best friend invited me to do with her, in which I set goals for myself for the last 100 days of the year. It is a group of people and we cheer one another on, lend support, and give advice. I have been doing pretty well so far. I set a plethora of goals for myself, many of which will probably not be met, but many that certainly will be met.  The goals range from organization to health goals and even just plain happiness goals. Since one of my goals is to post in my blogs every week, I will be checking that off from my list today. I’ve decided to rotate it – one week for this blog and the next for Manic, and so forth. I will be listing the things that I checked off of the list here on this blog, as well as other small (and large!) accomplishments. This is more for me than anyone else, as it is a good way to stay accountable and celebrate my victories. So here it goes; highlighted items are completed, others are there simply for categorical purposes:

Sept 23^rd(100 days starting day) – Sept. 30^th, 2015

·         Daily hair care

Consult with dermatologist

·         Daily skin care

Consult with dermatologist

o    Exercise as instructed by Ava

·         Walk every week day

Plan and try out new routes to keep things interesting

Get ipod and headphones loaded and ready to go

·         All vitamins and medications

·   Get b12 from Trader Joes

·   Get a vitamin D supplement (400-800 IU daily)

• Improve writing
• Practice using prompts
• Week  1
• Blog at least once a week, alternating between blogs
• Week  1
• Week 2

o    Get kitchen in order

·         Organize cabinets

·         Deep clean appliances

·         Organize/clean out spice shelves

·         Clean out cabinets

·         Clean out window and wash window

·         Wash exterior surfaces

• Clean computer area
• Get fall and winter flowers for goddess, then change them out ***(This is a long story, haha)
• Clean truck
• Try to temp fix the passenger window
• Make over blogs (by 11/04)

Get help reformatting picture on Manic

·         Clean out email

o    Unsubscribe and report spam

• Addy

Create weekly care checklist

o    Don Juan

o    Get new toys

These are all things that I checked off of my very long #100days to do list within the past couple of weeks. I realize that much of it has no context here and that it looks a little confusing, but it is a small celebration of things that I completed. It is really difficult for me to celebrate those, so I hope you don’t mind.

Below is my latest comparison picture, once again of my face because I am still really freaked out by the way my body looks. Hopefully that will get better one day, for now I am semi-comfy with this. 

I'm getting better... (430)

Change is scary. I’m talking about real, life-altering change. For most of my life I talked about what I would do “one day” and dreamed about who I could be “if only…” but they were abstract thoughts. There is always an excuse NOT to do something; often that excuse is even valid. At what point do you stop making excuses for yourself and actually start doing something to make meaningful changes in your life? When is it the right time to do what needs doing? 

The time is now. It is always now; mostly because the great life-improving, motivational-speakeresque self-dialogue is an ongoing process, not a one-time event. When I had my weight-loss surgery six months ago I certainly changed “overnight” in some ways. I woke up with about a quarter of my stomach left. Because I have such a tiny stomach I have been losing weight consistently and my quality of life has improved. But! What about all of the changes 600 pound me made before the surgery? 600 pound me decided to take charge of her life. She went on a crazy liver-shrinking diet for several weeks and soldiered through it ALL with (minimal) complaints. She started walking and exercising to improve her chances of surviving the surgery. She made the difficult decision to have the surgery at all AND she endured a six month cycle of continuous dieting, weighing in, getting blood drawn, and having humiliating visits to her doctor. She did all of this because at some point she (I) decided that it’s time to kick it into high-gear and get.shit.done.

Let’s also not forget post-surgical me. Not to self-congratulate too much, but I have worked my ass off (quite literally). I didn’t share too much about it in this blog, but in all honesty I was sick – very sick – for a few months after surgery. Every time I ate I felt like throwing up; and indeed I often did. I felt bad all of the time. Sometimes I wondered if I was dying; sometimes I wished that I was. It got better; it got so much better. Am I at 100% now? No; not even at six months out. I still get sick, though not as much. I struggle daily to eat the way that I should. I rarely get in the liquids I need and I cry sometimes when I brush my hair because so much of it falls out. I am vitamin deficient and sometimes my legs and arms go numb. Some days I am unlovable; some days I stare at a big bottle of pills and I wonder if it would be better if I just gave up. Some days I cry. But, I am getting better. Is it a fairy tale? Hell no. But I am proud of how far I have come.

Often, when I think of where I am in life; how far behind I am when compared to my peers, I wish for a do-over. I am in my thirties – most people my age have kids, jobs, a home. They are settled-in to life and here I am, just getting started. In the past this has been a major source of turmoil and depression for me. Self-deprecation comes so easily to me. But thanks to my fucking rockstar of a therapist, I am gaining insight in this and devising a plan to overcome it.

I started out in life pretty rough. I was molested on a very regular basis by someone very close to me at a very young age. From the ages of about five to eight I endured things that no child should have to endure. I won’t go into detail here, but it is sufficient to say that it was horrible.  This kind of thing leaves a mark on a person; this kind of thing changes a person – especially during her most impressionable years. It created a loop; another cycle. This time the cycle was full of shame, guilt, self-loathing, and despair. I sabotaged myself over and over again during my life because I honestly did not believe that I deserved happiness. I still struggle with the idea. I still look in the mirror, even after losing so much of my “armor”, and see an ugly, desperate little girl who will never be good enough. I still practice self-loathing. But it’s getting better. I’m getting better.

I don’t need to compare myself to anyone else; how can I? No one else has lived my life; no one else has endured the specific set of circumstances that I had on the journey that has led me here, to this point. Are there people who have it much worse than I do? Of course. And make no mistake about it, I own the mistakes that I have made in my life. My abusers did not force me to become obese; these were decisions that I made coupled with a set of very unfortunate circumstances.

I’ve been a victim most of my life; it is a role that I understand and that I am comfortable in. But comfort does not equal healthy; what’s normal for me is not what is good for me. I grasp now that I have the power to change who I am. I’ve let me abusers and my past write my story for me; but I have my own story to write now. I am ready to change; and thus I am changing.

How does all of this relate to my weight loss, you may be wondering? It relates because I define who I am now. And I want to define myself as happy, healthy, active, and beautiful. I want to participate in that color run; I want to be confident in myself when I glance in the mirror; and most of all, I want to dance starry-eyed with reckless abandon. And I will; because I’m getting better.

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I have my six month check-up in a couple of weeks, but I was able to weigh in at my pcp’s office last week. I was quite disappointed that I had not lost more, especially since I have been exercising nearly every day. Ah well, I am still losing and that is what is important. I’ll give an update after my next appointment. Thanks, as always, for reading!

Surgeon Social Update (448)

Another day and more big changes for me. My surgeon’s office had a meet and greet thing yesterday (which happened to be my birthday). I dragged my poor husband down so I could weigh in and (sadly not) have a look at the clothes closet – plus get free samples of stuff because free stuff is awesome. The free stuff did not disappoint! I got lots of swag. Pizza flavored protein crisps, Chili Lime Soy Puffs, and lemon meringue protein crisp bars were among my absolute favorites. There was also an amazing selection of Bariatric Advantage vitamins and supplements to take home and try. Their chewable vitamins are great. The lozenges? Just say no thank you; ECSPECIALLY to the mint one. I also got a nifty shaker bottle with a mixing ball for the protein shakes that I honestly never make. Oh! And another nice tote bag from bariatric advantage. Good stuff!

I also met a really nice lady named Ava that I scheduled an appointment with for an exercise evaluation. She is going to go over what kind of exercises I should be doing and how often to help me maintain my loss AND to help me tighten my skin. I honestly already have loose skin so this is really needed. I have been doing squats on my own on the good advice of my very close friend who informed me that it will help me avoid the dreaded flat, flabby white girl ass.

My weigh in results were great! As you may have noticed I am down another 20+ pounds since my last check in. 448! I mean, that’s closer to the 300’s than the 500’s. I am a little disappointed in myself, not because I didn’t lose more but because I have found that I am relentless in my negativity about this. If I lose 20 pounds I feel like I should have lost 30 pounds. It is hard to accept that this is going to take time.

I got a little extra information than usual during my weigh-in. The office scale is one of those that gives BMI and calculates how many calories per day I would need to eat to maintain my weight – plus it gives fat mass, or the percentage of fat versus bones, skin, water, et al.  At my weight right now I would need to eat 2769 calories a day to maintain it. Crazy. It makes me wonder how many calories a day I was eating before all of this. Too many. At this point I still shoot for 700 calories a day, but I often get around 800 and sometimes all the way up to 900. I think that as long as I stay in the triple digits I will be okay for now. Also, according to the scale, I am approximately 260 pounds of fat. I mean jesus. My fat weighs more than my goal weight. Like way more (100 pounds more). So yeah, I guess this is one reason why it is difficult for me to celebrate my small victories and easy for me to be pessimistic.

Other issues to update on – my skin is a wreck. I can see lines in my face that were definitely not visible before. I am guessing this is just an aging thing that is more visible now that there is not as much fat on my face. Also I have dry skin issues on my face now and I never have before. I find that I have to use a good scrub (I am currently using St. Ives oatmeal scrub) on my face prior to putting on makeup or I have this weird flakiness around my nose and lower cheek areas.

My hair is also making me quite sad, though I am told that this is a phase that many women who have weight loss surgery go through. It is dry and falling out. It was always frizzy, but it is even more so than usual. I need some good product, but I am at a loss as to what to try. I may try some coconut oil, or maybe some Jamaican black castor oil.  I will update when I find something that works (or doesn’t work!). It may simply be a matter of waiting it out, however. From what I understand this phase should ease up at the six month mark (September for me).

I am still trying really hard to get in my water. Some days I nearly hit my goal, others I don’t come close at all. I actually feel much better on days that I drink more, so you would think that would be motivation enough. However, I have to have my water really cold. I will pull a bottle out of the freezer and drink about a quarter of it only to let it sit out and get warm. Once it’s warm I don’t want it. I am still working on a solution for all of this (I have no ability to make and store ice like a normal person).

Hopefully I will be updating again soon with more good news! Woot! And thanks, as always, for reading!